Standing With You

In honor of national infant loss awareness month I wanted to share a little more about a loss we experienced after having our miracle baby Jade. 

After the horribly traumatic pregnancy We had with Jade, Jeff and I decided we didn’t want to have any more children for a long time. So when my doctors pressured me into getting the Mirena IUD to not have any more children for 5 years, we accepted, vulnerable and afraid of more pain. A few months into having the Mirena, I was hit with debilitating pain on my left side. I called my doctors to see if I should make an appointment, but they assured me everything was fine, no need to come in and that even though I feared an ectopic pregnancy they said that was incredibly rare. That should have been my first clue not to trust them. I had been told things like that in the past when I was pregnant with Jade such as, “a live birth in your situation is incredibly rare”. I guess I’m just the type of person who goes through rare things, because I’ve had quite a few rare things happen to me. 

A few months later when I had long forgotten the pain in my side, I woke up one morning with an excruciating pain in my pelvis. It was so bad, I thought I was about to pass out. I was on my period and assumed I was having extreme menstrual cramps, but something didn’t seem quite right. As the days passed, the pain began to happen more frequently and it got to the point where I was in so much pain I couldn’t walk or move and felt like I could pass out at any moment. Whenever I felt like this, I would take Tylenol or Ibuprofen and rest until the pain would subside and then I would try to go about my day. I had very bad insurance back then and didn’t want anymore huge medical bills so I avoided going to the Doctor at all costs. 

On valentines Day 2010, a few days into these bouts of excruciating pain, my husband Jeff took Jade and me to the coast to celebrate the holiday. While at the coast, we decided to climb a lighthouse tower. As I was climbing up, the pain was starting up again. I had a very hard time getting up and down again, but I really didn’t want it to ruin our Valentine’s Day celebration so I bared the pain as best as I could. By the time we climbed down from the lighthouse I was in such an excruciating amount of pain that told Jeff that I might need to go to the hospital. He thought we should try going home first and that I should try to take a bath and hopefully that would help avoiding us a costly trip to the ER. So I bared the pain again on the 2 hour drive home. When I got home and to the bath I realized that I was profusely bleeding and the pad I had been wearing was soaked through. I knew this wasn’t a good sign. I was bleeding out. I told Jeff and he immediately drove me to the hospital. When I got there my pain level was at a 10. Despite this, the hospital still made me wait in the waiting are for at least 30-45 mins. I was pale and shaky at that point, I could barely stand. When it was my turn, the nurses wheeled me back and began doing tests. One included an ultrasound. Pain meds weren’t working at this point, I was doubled over crying. After examining my results, the Dr. came to me and told me I had an ectopic pregnancy in my left Fallopian tube and that it had ruptured and I needed emergency surgery to save my life. At that point there was no hope for my baby… words can’t even describe how devastated I was. I didn’t even know I was pregnant, but suddenly I wanted this baby more than anything in the world, and yet I knew there was no way to save it and on top of that I was dying. I was so terrified as I was going back to the operating room. I begged the doctor to try everything to save the baby and to please not let me die. I was very afraid of surgery and anesthesia and all I could think of was wanting to live for Jade. As I was getting wheeled back I was starting to go in to shock from loss of blood and then I was put under. When I woke up, I was disoriented but feeling so much better. The intense physical pain had gone, but the emotional pain was too much to bare. I never found out how far along I was or if they knew the gender. The Dr. confirmed that the Mirena had caused the ectopic pregnancy. It had been placed wrong and had lodged into my muscle. Remember when I called the doctors a few months back? That was the pain I felt. I was in emotional anguish knowing this baby was gone. My heart was in agony as I tried to recover the next few days. Completely shocked, heartbroken and empty. I spent the days crying the loss of my baby and in pain from the surgery. I felt like I could never be normal again. The Dr. told me I got my left tube removed and that it might might be incredibly difficult for me to have anymore kids. This is another rare thing I overcame. 4 years later we had our rainbow baby Grace. And 6 years later our son Dean. Both amazing stories for another time. 

So here we are 9 years later. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t wonder what could have been. Was it a boy, was it a girl, what did their smile look like? What was their laugh like? What would it have been like to hold and snuggle this baby. I hope someday I will have that chance in heaven. For now I can honor our baby sharing the name we chose. We chose Phoenix to symbolize change, rebirth and new life. It was a word that meant so much to us in that time and still does today. 

This picture was taken by me outside of the lighthouse right before the horrible life altering experience we had. It’s the last time I have ever felt completely whole. Losing a baby has left a hole in my heart forever and made me one of the 1 in 4 women who have experienced infant loss. I want other moms who have been through this to know, I’m not here to offer advice or tell you how to cope. I am here crying with you. Praying for you. Standing with you.